Rape Whistles

Over the weekend I was introduced to the concept of a rape whistle. The logic behind this idea is that a whistle is more audible than the screams of someone being raped, therefore a more effective form of prevention. I don’t buy into this logic since if I were being raped, the last thing on my mind would be to reach into my pocket, pull out a damn whistle and blow on it. I’d want to pull out a knife and have my assailant blow on that. Yeah.

Hearing about rape whistles inspired me to invent the “Rape Knife”, “Rape Club”, and “Rape Gun”. These are only the first batch of the future line of e.Lucas anti-rape items.

Advantages of the new “Rape” line.

1. Guaranteed retribution:

With the Rape whistle the most harm you can hope to inflict on your assailant would be a damaged ear drum AT MOST. With the new “Rape” line you can rest assured that anyone who tries to stick anything in you will either not be able to walk, breathe, or live.

2. Intimidation factor:

Think about it. What’s more threatening, a whistle or a gun? (The answer is gun.) In fact “Rape Gun” has been cleverly designed to inflict all forms of fear into whoever gazes upon them. Each item in the “Rape” line is hand painted with images of the apocalypse, spiders, snakes, werewolves, God, clowns, and old age just to be on the safe side.

3. We’re louder:

Each Rape item is equipped with a patented design to emit a shrill, ear piercing, sound wave that shatters the ear drum of any and all with ill intentions. This sound wave can be heard through walls for miles and miles.

And for those of you still attached to Rape Whistles, have no fear. The new rape line has all new designs for rape whistles with the signature “fear of god” paint job, sharpened edges as well as an exit hole for poisoned darts to fly out as you blow on the whistle.

So I hope these ideas drive you to fund this new project that I will begin in the next couple months. If you’d like to help fund Project Rape. Just post a comment with your name, social security number, and bank account number. Don’t be a victim. Be a victim maker.

COMING THIS FALL: “Rape Sword”, “Rape Axe”, and “Rape Bow and Arrows”.