So the weather here in “undisclosed-location-with-subways-and-the-statue-of-liberty” is pretty damn drastic especially in spring. One day I’m putting away the hooded sweatshirt and busting out the shades and sunscreen. The next, I’m layering with my waterproof jacket on. Hell this goes on in the same day in spring time.

You know what this reminds me of? Videogame weather. You all know what I’m talking about. A game developer puts a weather variation engine in their game and they have it go from sunny to rainy every three minutes. I experienced this with a number of games.

This city really is like a game in many respects. In fact, you could apply a game mechanic to a number of situations. e.g walking, taking the subway, managing money

Maybe that’s my draw to this place. Maybe my gamer instincts are put to the test here and therefore fulfilled, giving me a sense of gratification. Oh who knows?

Anyway I didn’t expect this post to make a whole lot of sense. I’m just writing.

R

Go and ask someone to describe to you a pedophile. They’d probably give you images of playgrounds with with tan cars parked across the street. They’ll tell you about the hooded sweatshirts. The apples and candy in outstretched arms. Churches. Schools. Youth groups. Now stop them and ask what gender that pedophile is. You might get a pause and look of confusion as if to say “What are you talking about? Of course they’re male.” You, yourself, might be thinking this as you read this blog. This is what I’ve realized about my mind recently.

I’ve been raised all my life to recognize the tell tale signs of nasty, lecherous sexual predators. Never take candy from strangers. Never go with people who claim to know your parents. I’ve seen the videos. I never thought about this before, but those videos always showed men as being the guilty party, the people in the hooded sweat shirts, the arms holding the candy and apples. And who can forget the stereotypical mustache?

I learned from those videos. I learned so well that as I was walking through my apartment just now I couldn’t for the life of me get a mental picture of what a FEMALE sexual predator looks like. What are the tell tale signs of them? Do they drive the same tan Chevy Malibu? Are their sweatshirts pink with sparkles on them? This I’d like to know.

Seem like pointless question? Let me give you practical scenario. A couple years back, I volunteered at a Big Brother/ Big Sister center in Portland, OR. There I was introduced to a very interesting policy. Male volunteers were only allowed to mentor boys, while Female volunteers could be paired with a either boy or girl. Does that seem a little messed up to you? Did they not think that women were capable of similar heinous acts? I sure hope so because that might bite them in the ass some day.

I do agree that there haven’t been that many cases involving a female sexual predator, but is that any reason to let our guard down?

And for those women out there cry foul at my questioning this….welcome to the club, girls. Equality’s a bitch isn’t it?

- e.Lucas

Usually I’m very pro-male. I root for dudes playing Jeopardy and not the girls. I get riled up when I see dating advice columns condemning all men as heartless jerks. I hate phrases like “oh well, you’re a guy.” Usually I’m like that.

But when it comes to seeing people die horrible grisly deaths or suffering brutal mutilations in movies. I prefer to see men. I don’t know why. When a movie shows a woman getting torn limb from limb, blown to pieces, or massacred in any twisted sort of way it really messes me up. And the worst part is that it sticks with me weeks, sometimes months after.

Here’s some examples of scenes that have stayed with me over the years:

Cloverfield – The scene where the chick explodes. What the hell? I still can’t get that out of my head.

Sleepy Hollow – The end part where the evil witch gets tangled up and crushed in the roots of the tree. I know. She was evil. But it STILL messed me up!

Pitch Black – That tough lady gets swooped up by those little bug things and gets chewed up in seconds. I didn’t even find her that attractive. Still sticks with me.

Kill Bill Vol. 1 – When that Japanese / French chick gets her arm sliced off. Again she’s a bad guy, yet it doesn’t matter. It’s pretty basic, but it still affects me.

Invasion U.S.A. (Old Chuck Norris film) – Some coke head lady is snorting a line off a table and gets the thing shoved up her nose by accident. Then as she’s screaming in pain she’s thrown out the window of a high-rise building. See? It sticks with me.

With guys, I can see armies of them hacked to pieces, burned alive, or mowed down with bullets and I won’t even flinch most of the time. Sometimes it’s funny.

Anybody else this way? Anybody care to explain my gory sexism? Help me. I want to be equal in my head.

- e.Lucas

Hearing about rape whistles inspired me to invent the “Rape Knife”, “Rape Club”, and “Rape Gun”. These are only the first batch of the future line of e.Lucas anti-rape items.

Advantages of the new “Rape” line.

1. Guaranteed retribution:

With the Rape whistle the most harm you can hope to inflict on your assailant would be a damaged ear drum AT MOST. With the new “Rape” line you can rest assured that anyone who tries to stick anything in you will either not be able to walk, breathe, or live.

2. Intimidation factor:

Think about it. What’s more threatening, a whistle or a gun? (The answer is gun.) In fact “Rape Gun” has been cleverly designed to inflict all forms of fear into whoever gazes upon them. Each item in the “Rape” line is hand painted with images of the apocalypse, spiders, snakes, werewolves, God, clowns, and old age just to be on the safe side.

3. We’re louder:

Each Rape item is equipped with a patented design to emit a shrill, ear piercing, sound wave that shatters the ear drum of any and all with ill intentions. This sound wave can be heard through walls for miles and miles.

And for those of you still attached to Rape Whistles, have no fear. The new rape line has all new designs for rape whistles with the signature “fear of god” paint job, sharpened edges as well as an exit hole for poisoned darts to fly out as you blow on the whistle.

So I hope these ideas drive you to fund this new project that I will begin in the next couple months. If you’d like to help fund Project Rape. Just post a comment with your name, social security number, and bank account number. Don’t be a victim. Be a victim maker.

COMING THIS FALL: “Rape Sword”, “Rape Axe”, and “Rape Bow and Arrows”.

I’ve heard this topic talked about A LOT. I’ve had discussions with my friends about this. I over hear women asking themselves “why does every guy I date turn out to be such a jerk?” I’ve heard plenty. I’m not gonna go into the intricacies of the subject. I’m just gonna bring up a very valid point.

WHAT ABOUT MEN? It seems there’s all this concern about protecting women from men who are out to use women. And don’t get me wrong, it’s a valid concern. There are men out there who want nothing more than to take advantage of women. Girls, protect yourselves. Here’s the thing, people, there are jerks that are women. They exist. I’ve known a couple. I’ve not once seen an article, heard a discussion, watched a program warning dudes about jerk women.

Men do not have a monopoly on playing mind games. Women can do it just as well if not better. And I think it’s high time that someone wrote an article on how to spot a woman being a jerk, or the more commonly used “bitch.”

What’s that, you say? Why don’t I do it? Well OK! I will. Keep an eye out for it. I’m out.

-e.Lucas

Several studies state that the male attraction to the female figure is one of a primal nature. It’s a deep-rooted desire for men to find suitable mating partners to spread their seed. Do I agree with this theory? I’ll just say that it makes sense and that I’m not human. Well what happened after that was I thought back to 12 monkeys and the flesh display geared towards women. It dawned on me.

What’s the logic behind female attraction to male ass? I’m pretty sure a man’s behind has little to do with his ability to be fertile. We don’t carry anything within us during the birthing process. So what’s the deal?

Perhaps we need a female rapper out there to explain it to us. I mean women had Sir Mix a Lot to break it down for the world. I think it’s high time that women rappers stop talking about how sexy THEY are and start explaining their attraction to the male body. Where’s our help? Women rappers? Anyone?

- e.Lucas

I’m sorry, Gents. I would have remained quiet had I not witnessed the blatant gawking that happens in my neighborhood. I mean dudes here pass women and turn their heads a full 180 degrees just to catch a glimpse. And they stare for a good half a minute! It’s embarrassing! Not to mention dangerous. So for your well being I’m gonna try to put a cap on it. I don’t want anyone walking into a bus or crashing their car as they’re observing the latest juicy booty to come within range of sight. It’s got to stop or at least simmer down a bit.

However, being the diplomat that I am, I can’t lay the blame entirely on men.

Girls, you gotta realize that what you have behind you is an attractor. It’s an attraction that tugs at a very primal instinct for men. Deep down we’re checking out how well you can bear our children. That’s it.

Some women realize this and capitalize on it! I see some girls out there with jeans bleached in the area under discussion, highlighting the very thing that most women don’t want stared at. THAT’S got to stop. You are endangering your fellow man. We’ll look. Don’t worry. You don’t have to draw any more attention to it. There’s plenty of attention as it is.

So for those of you who want men to stop staring at your asses, you’re gonna have to try hard. I mean REALLY hard. So just to help you out I have a few fashion ideas that might be able to counteract those instincts.

1. Bocks – “Your hip be square.”
Men love curves. Butts are curvy. Ergo men love butts. Bocks will take care of that. Bocks are a new type of apparel that is designed to reduce and in some cases eliminate all notions of curves on your person. It can be worn over or under the clothes your wearing. You’ll go from curvaceous to cubist in no time.

2. Man Booty Jeans
If there’s one thing that straight men are afraid of it’s being gay. Just ask any warm-blooded dude. Even mention the possibility of having sex with a man or even kissing another man and they’d be in a testosterone-y rage. Well now you can use that fear to your advantage. Man booty jeans are a new type of bleached jean that is specifically designed to look like a bare male ass. You’ll see men freak out and look away once they realize they’ve just turned around only to have a man’s ass straight in their line of vision.

3. The STD Back Pack
You remember those sex ed videos they showed in high school? You know, the ones that tried to scare us into abstinence by showing a whole bunch of extreme cases of STD’s? Do you remember how sex was the last thing you thought about once you saw those monstrosities? Well that’s what the STD back pack is designed to do. Model after various forms of STD infested genitalia; this backpack will turn all gazes AWAY from your person. Comes in Gonorrhea, Syphilis, and Chlamydia.

If you’re down with ideas, please contact me.

- e.Lucas

Rumor has it that the holiday was started (more like “forced into practice”) when all the football crazy students skipped class to watch said event. In other words, everyone skipped school. After several years of this happening, rather than get a whole bunch of students in trouble, the administration decided to make the day a holiday. I don’t know if this rumor is true. The current administration would probably say that it’s not, but I hope to God it is.

Why do I hope to God that it’s true? I’ll tell you. I hope to God that it’s true because I’ve never heard a more inspirational and hopeful story in my life. High school students banding together against the threat of punishment from the always oppressive “MAN” in order to enjoy one of the few things that….Okay I don’t know if they were that organized. Most likely everyone just skipped on their own. But think about the possibilities if this was EXACTLY how it went down?

If a bunch of high school students can get a day off from school simply by not going, what are we as adults capable of? We can get away with anything we want! Just skip en masse! That’s the ticket! They can’t suspend/expel/fire/ arrest/excommunicate us all. Got a test? Convince all your classmates to skip it. Called to jury duty? Organize with a whole bunch of other people and get the hell out of there! Holy Day of Obligation? Skip it! Just get a whole bunch of your friends to do the same and spread the word. God can’t get mad at ALL of us, right?

But how can unity of such magnitude occur in a divided age? Simple. Tell them the legend of Super Bowl Day. It will inspire. Go forth, my friends, and conquer.

- e.Lucas

What are little girls made of, made of?
What are little girls made of?
Sugar and spice, and everything nice,
That’s what little girls are made of.

I hate this nursery rhyme. Always have. I found it unfair that my genetic make-up was composed of two things that disgusted me and one that was incredibly sadistic. I mean what do puppy dog tails have to do with anything? So we’re apt to torturing dogs? Is that it, Mr. Nursery Rhyme writer? I love dogs! I’d sooner smash my thumb in a door than cut off a dog’s tail.

I mean who wrote this crap? And who were they to tell me what I was made of? I’ll tell you what I’M made of. Blood and guts. And that’s what girls are made of too. Sugar and Spice indeed.