Asses.

There’s no denying it. Ladies, your asses are being looked at as soon as you step out the door. If you’ve got the booty, chances are it’s being stared at. On the bus, on the train, when you’re bending down to pick up something there will be stares mostly from men. I know from my numerous women friends that this common practice among men is annoying. So I’m just warning all of you who don’t know for whatever reason.

I’m sorry, Gents. I would have remained quiet had I not witnessed the blatant gawking that happens in my neighborhood. I mean dudes here pass women and turn their heads a full 180 degrees just to catch a glimpse. And they stare for a good half a minute! It’s embarrassing! Not to mention dangerous. So for your well being I’m gonna try to put a cap on it. I don’t want anyone walking into a bus or crashing their car as they’re observing the latest juicy booty to come within range of sight. It’s got to stop or at least simmer down a bit.

However, being the diplomat that I am, I can’t lay the blame entirely on men.

Girls, you gotta realize that what you have behind you is an attractor. It’s an attraction that tugs at a very primal instinct for men. Deep down we’re checking out how well you can bear our children. That’s it.

Some women realize this and capitalize on it! I see some girls out there with jeans bleached in the area under discussion, highlighting the very thing that most women don’t want stared at. THAT’S got to stop. You are endangering your fellow man. We’ll look. Don’t worry. You don’t have to draw any more attention to it. There’s plenty of attention as it is.

So for those of you who want men to stop staring at your asses, you’re gonna have to try hard. I mean REALLY hard. So just to help you out I have a few fashion ideas that might be able to counteract those instincts.

1. Bocks – “Your hip be square.”
Men love curves. Butts are curvy. Ergo men love butts. Bocks will take care of that. Bocks are a new type of apparel that is designed to reduce and in some cases eliminate all notions of curves on your person. It can be worn over or under the clothes your wearing. You’ll go from curvaceous to cubist in no time.

2. Man Booty Jeans
If there’s one thing that straight men are afraid of it’s being gay. Just ask any warm-blooded dude. Even mention the possibility of having sex with a man or even kissing another man and they’d be in a testosterone-y rage. Well now you can use that fear to your advantage. Man booty jeans are a new type of bleached jean that is specifically designed to look like a bare male ass. You’ll see men freak out and look away once they realize they’ve just turned around only to have a man’s ass straight in their line of vision.

3. The STD Back Pack
You remember those sex ed videos they showed in high school? You know, the ones that tried to scare us into abstinence by showing a whole bunch of extreme cases of STD’s? Do you remember how sex was the last thing you thought about once you saw those monstrosities? Well that’s what the STD back pack is designed to do. Model after various forms of STD infested genitalia; this backpack will turn all gazes AWAY from your person. Comes in Gonorrhea, Syphilis, and Chlamydia.

If you’re down with ideas, please contact me.

- e.Lucas